Love Notes 3: The wrong kind of love?

Dar Joe,

I am Gian, 24, and currently working in a five-star hotel in Manila. I decided to write to you because I’m confused. Nobody knows what I’m going through. You see, I had a number of girlfriends before and, though I enjoyed being with them, I really never felt deeply in love with anyone of them.

I never felt the real intensity of love until I met Lewis. Yes Joe, you read it right. It’s Lewis, and he’s a guy. I don’t know where to begin but I guess everything started when he became a co-worker, though a contractual one. When he was first introduced to me, I immediately noticed his good looks and perfect smile. But modesty aside, I am also gifted with good physical looks.

But cliched as it may sound, I believe that it was destiny that brought us together. We went out in a group but we set a day where we could bond together, just the two of us. We would go malling, eat and even watch movies together, which is very odd for two guys to do. More than his outward appearance,

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I was impressed by his kindness and understanding.

One time, we had a misunderstanding. I texted him and blamed him for our shallow fight. His reply almost made me fall off my seat. He said, I’m sorry for everything! I love you!" I texted him by saying, “I love you, too.” However, we never discussed the issue the following day. He would usually ask me to sleep over at his apartment. We share the same bed but nothing sexual happened between the two of us. That’s the time when I realized that I was slowly falling in love with Lewis. My love for him is beyond platonic and it has gone deeper and deeper without me realizing that the end of his contract was getting near.

When his contract expired and he left, I lost my focus. But then again, I did not want other people to know that I was dying of loneliness. He would text and call me once in a while. I really wanted to admit my real feelings but the fear of rejection prevented me from doing so. Just last month, he invited me to come to his birthday. I decided to go with common friends. .

After an hour, I decided to leave. As I walked toward my car, he hurriedly went to me and gave me a hug. I asked Lewis if he was drunk while slowly pushing him away. He said he wasn’t and then he embraced me for the second time. While driving home, I couldn’t help but cry. I hated myself for allowing this to happen.

As of now, I’m trying to forget my love for him which was wrong to begin with. I want to restart my life with a clean slate. I never thought I would be in this kind of situation. How could I forget him, Joe? Please help me.

Gian

Gian,

Life indeed is full of surprises. We just don’t know what will come knocking at our doors next. Gian, you are not alone in this quest for identity. I have heard from many like you who are going through the same dilemma. It is difficult to come to a realization that there exists within us another person unexpectedly and totally different from us. It is like a mysterious flame glowing through cold ash.

I have always said that it is not in loving a person that we commit sin but it is what we do when we love beyond the limits of reason that makes it wrong. Gian, your moral sensors made you aware of the implication of such a relationship. The hardship you are going through reflects your internal conflict but your ability to rationalize means that you are still capable of changing the course of your life.

If you really want to forget him then you have to stop thinking about him. He may not be in your face but you have allowed him to remain at the back of your mind. And the mind is very powerful. The people who we do not remember are the people who mean little to us and the people we love are those we do not forget. If we stop loving a person then we can start forgetting. But for as long as our hearts are connected then all efforts to rule over our emotion will mean nothing.

Gian, we become who we think and believe we are. Be yourself and remember that we can only be truly happy when we are at peace with our inner selves and when we are in harmony with the people we love and the people who love us.