Saturday, June 28, 2008


By IagoThursday, May 03, 2001

Circe told me to write about break ups. I told her no. I told her that there are so many things to write about, why would I spend my time reliving painful memories. Don't get me started, I told her, And besides, what kind of sadomasochist do you think I am? The kind that we all are, she said. You've fallen in love, and you'll fall in love again, she said. That makes you a masochist. And it's only a matter of a few fights into the relationship that you'll become a sadist.

I told her no. I wanted to write about the love of my life, and I wanted to make it happy. Did it end happy, Circe asked. No relationship ends happy if it ends, I replied. Uh-huh, she said, then go ahead and try to make it happy.
And so this last week, as I finished packing my boxes before I leave this weekend for the States, I went slowly over an old box of photos and letters that I never bothered to throw out. It was one of the last boxes I was going to pack for storage, and there was a reason I was putting it off for the last. It was full of things: papers, pictures, souvenirs, a little green book of poetry – so stuffed with memories that it couldn't shut properly. After I went through it and tried to unsuccessfully put everything back in, I realized it was a metaphor for closure.

Damn that Circe for being right. Damn Circe for getting me started. She made me remember the Love of My Life:

In the history of my life, she was the Pearl Harbor and the invention of the wheel.
After six years I still could never take my eyes off her. Few things could do that. The sky is one of them. She and I would get drunk on Steely Dan and darkness. "Did you know that Steely Dan was named after a dildo?" she said. She smiled crooked, like a careful cat. The days she let me love her were the only days I never looked at anyone else. "I want for nothing," I'd tell her. Steely Dan's Hey Nineteen would fade out, the disk would change, and Gershwin's winds would come in, and she'd kiss me, and cymbals would crash, then drums, then drums.

"Everyday is like a holiday with you," she'd tell me. We'd declare holidays for any reason whatsoever - because it was Thursday, or because she'd gotten a bonus, or because it was hot outside, or because we deserved it damn it. We'd hide like children under the blankets, and I'd be the back spoon when she'd call her secretary to say she wouldn't be coming in she was feeling ill, and I'd smell sugar behind her ear and nuzzle her neck. She'd try not to giggle, and it felt like we were skipping school.

Picture this, a cello in my bed. In the morning we'd awaken, she'd sit up, raise her arms crossed above her head and stretch, her back long to me, her hair long down her back, the white sheets fallen away from her like Christmas wrapper from an expensive jewelry store. Beyond her, through the floor to ceiling windows, the city soared with the rising sun, steel buildings tall in the distance, and the blue sky, and she, stretching, long as the skyscrapers, framed by the view of the morning emerging. A cello in my bed. That was the music I'd wake up to.

In the beginning it was difficult to say I love you. There is no such commitment as those three words. So I never said it. I mean, I never spoke them aloud, not while she could hear. Sometimes when we'd talk on the phone and after she'd hang up, I'd tell her; or sometimes when she was fast asleep and snoring gently I'd tell her. I told her often, even if she didn't know it. I guess I couldn't help myself from feeling it, so I'd say it without her knowing. One time after making love, she lay on top of me. "Heavy?" she asked quietly, which I heard wrong, and responded to what she said, earnestly, with my heart overflowing. "I love you too!" I'd said. How she laughed at catching me! Later on, Heavy was what we'd say when we wanted to express our love. Quite fitting, I think. Towards the end, we couldn't help but express our love. I love you with all of my heart, I'd say. And I'd never meant it more in my life.

She set the standard to which every other woman in my life was measured. They never measured up.

Contentedness sitting on the rug having breakfast on the coffee table while watching telly with the love of your life. Sure, there's the passion of the nuclear fusion of two people, and there's the happiness of pastimes shared, and the excitement of discovery or rediscovery. But to be content is where it's truly at. It's like a cup of hot chocolate. With marshmallows. Yeah.

I'd miss her even while I was with her. The enormity of her absence was like a pin prick through my eye. Her leaving me dashed me on the rocks like so much scotch. I drowned my sorrows in my sorrows. That's how I feel, until now. That's why I sound like a bad romance novel.

I spoke "Don't go," like a mantra, varying my delivery like it would make a difference – trying to be witty and dashing, trying to be stern and strong, trying to gentle and earnest. She was like a combination lock that wouldn't open. Does Fabio ever have this problem?
It's been years, I think. Seems that way. "I want for nothing," I'd tell her, and I meant it. Now, I want for nothing but her.

The tragedy of break ups is hinged on a single definitive point, the moment that presents itself, and echoes in your head while you sit in darkness and wonder what happened, knowing full well what happened but wondering how you could have let it happen. In the darkness you try to figure out how you can fix it, but some things can never be fixed. And that knowledge is sharp and cold as mornings alone.

There is no greater motivation for humanity's fantasies of time machines as love lost. Regret is the worst thing to have, but sometimes it is undeniable. What if I took a deep breath and kept my mouth shut what if I communicated more what if I controlled my temper what if I listened what if I lowered my pride what if I told her how I feel what if what if what if. My heart's worn out with what ifs. These are my ghosts.

I had it all one time, and then I don't know what happened.

When she left I grew old.

There's no such thing as a good break up.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Partners and Marriage

By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.

How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship tosucceed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find away to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get toknow each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot seeclearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long- time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.

One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise.If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other.And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious view point on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same view point, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two ofthem. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriagecan take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speakof a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not knowt hem they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformationwe choose to make.

Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.

It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power ofthis passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation aswell. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.

There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom... endlessly.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The most beautiful rainbow.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

What a girl needs most is LOVE.
What a guy needs most is RESPECT.
The most important thing for a girl is her HEART.
For a guy it’s his EGO.

Give your man his own TIME and SPACE. Let him have his time for his friends, sports, family, self, and GOD.
The relationship will grow old quickly if lagi kayong magkasama. Give him time to miss you and you’ll see how he will love you more.
If the guy naman is obsessed and just wants to be with you all the time, tell him you can’t respect a “puppy” for long.

Do things differently anytime. Para kahit matagal na kayo, there is always something fresh and something new. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.
Exciting baga?

Discover something you both like to do and enjoy it TWOgether. Doon naman sa mga bagay na magkaiba ang hilig nyo, compliment each other by learning about it kahit konti.
If you love someone, yung effort nyo to try will go a looooooooong way to understand him later pag may disagreement kayo.

Pray with holding hands. Sounds corny noh? Maybe. But it is very powerful. Pag may takot sa Diyos and partner mo, kampante ka na di ka nya lolokohin, because he knows God sees everything he does in secret. Ikaw na ang magkusa that before you part after date, with hands held and eyes closed, pray to God to bless you two. Believe me, it’s effective. Kailanman, di corny ang magdasal.

Believe in “MAGIC”. Kahit minsan di practical o walang logical na dahilan, o matrabaho, o sounds crazy sa iba, do SWEET LITTLE THINGS for the one you love kahit magmukha ka ng timang. The MEMORIES will be fun to recall later in life. The corniest song o gift o letter ang laging KABOG!

TRUE LOVE brings out the best in each other. Find something good in your partner and nurture it, encourage it, and syempre, ENJOY it.

IT’S HEALTHY TO FIGHT. Doon nyo lang maaayos ang mga differences nyo at natetest ang tatag ng relationship. Doon mo rin sya makikilala ng mabuti. It’s called TEST OF FIRE. Di mahalaga how dalas you fight. What matters is HOW OFTEN YOU MAKE BATI.
Mas nakakatakot yung relasyong sobrang perfect at laging masaya. One big fight and that’s it! And diba mas kilig yung malambing na… “uy, bati na tayo…”. But don’t overdo it. Kakapagod naman din na lagi na lang manuyo o magsori. CHOOSE THE BATTLES NA PAPATULAN MO.

Daraan sa iba’t-ibang stages ang love especially pag matagal na kayo. Grow with it. Don’t expect it to be like nung una. ‘Coz like a student, din a ituturo sa Grade 6 yung lessons na pang-Grade 2. CHANGE WILL HAPPEN…you both will change and your love will change too. It’s up to you na lang if the change will be for the better or for the worse. LIFE IS ABOUT GROWTH. Grow with it.

When break-up comes and it’s time to say goodbye, don’t doubt the love just because it didn’t last. May mga bagay sa Buhay na di man nagtatagal, it doesn’t mean di na ito totoo. SOME GOOD THINGS ARE JUST NEVER MEANT TO LAST FOREVER. Okay lang yon!
Bless the parting and move on.

Expect tears, sorrow, sleepless nights and pain. Ika nga “ITS WHEN YOU HURT THE WORSE THAT YOU LOVE THE MOST.” Kung di ka willing masaktan, wag ka na lang magmahal.

LIFE is a balance. And life is both holding on and letting go. Know when to fight for your man or woman and when to let him/her go. God will guide you kung anong dapat gawin sa kung anong sitwasyon. So dapat mataas ang signal ng langit sa cellphone ng puso mo to know His wisdom.