Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dear Stranger...

Dear Stranger,

Last night I drifted back to the past -- the part where everything was all good between us; when we both fought against all the negativity && doubts. Last night was about pure nostalgia. It reminded me how harsh change really is. It wasn`t an intentional thing -- to be walking down memory lane. I don`t know what triggered it. It must be all the sadness.

Do you think it`s that easy, that it`ll all just disappear?.. I am sorry. Because you`ve become so vague && evasive. Because you probably think I`m just like a stranger, too. I`m writing this not to put blame on you, but because it`s the only way I can explain myself. At least, here, there are no interruptions, no yelling, no crying.

I wish we`d agree on something. I wish you could see how bad it makes me feel, when people assume that I`m the inconsiderate one. That I`m the one who doesn`t seem to care, that I`m the one who`s always waiting to be approached. I may not be that expressive, && I may not talk freely about what`s going on between us. But that doesn`t mean that I don`t care. Or that I`m too casual about it. What ever happened to knowing me inside & out?

Last night, I wanted so badly to be there for you. I don`t know why, but I felt like you didn`t want me to be. Like you didn`t need reassurance from me. But I took that, because I know how it feels to be going through something; that the last thing you need is someone to bug you && force you to talk when you`re not ready. I didn`t want to ruin your night, I didn`t want to be part of the problem. We`re supposed to be on the same wavelength -- now we`re colliding against each other.

I guess what bugged me was the fact that you were nonchalant about it. That you were probably thinking I was just acting up or blowing things out of proportion. I wonder what it would take for a guy to really && truly understand what`s going through a girl`s mind, or how her heart is?

I`m starting to grow tired of having to explain myself. It gets me nowhere, && it just leaves me sad && frustrated. There are times when I feel the urge to be angry, to scream, to let you know what`s hurting me or what`s confusing me. I can`t. I don`t know why.

Probably because everything just hurts. I lose everytime. What am I supposed to do? It`s like reaching out && just being pushed away. I guess you`re thinking I`m crazy; that I`m just being too pessimistic. It`s not always about what you`re thinking, it`s not always about what I`m thinking -- it's about us, how we should be able to compromise, to take each other's feelings into consideration. It`s not fun not being able to say what I really want to. I`m almost always speechless.

Most of the time, my silence gives off the wrong signals. It makes you think I`m cold && insensitive. Do you know, that inside, it`s the exact opposite? Silence doesn`t always mean anger -- try to realize that it means there`s something I can`t say, or that there`s something that`s hurting me.

I want to be there for you through everything, but things seem to keep blocking me from doing that. I want you to fully understand how hard this is, without thinking I`m over-analyzing. I`m not.

I`m holding on to someone even though I don`t know who she is anymore.


God knows how hard this is.

& He also knows that,

despite everything,


I`d still do anything for you.....

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