Love Notes 4 : The Question of Belonging

Dear Joe,

It’s been 10 years now since I met the guy who turned my world upside down. I was 12 then, and very infatuated with this good-looking and intelligent guy. At that time, I didn’t have any idea that he had the same feelings for me. But one day, something happened that made me mad enough to build a wall separating our worlds in two.

Eight years later, just when I thought I was doing well, fate turned on me again. My old crush and I bumped into each other and eventually became friends again. Time and experience have changed him a lot. It was amazing to see how the guy I used to love and the guy I eventually hated could turn out to be such a desirable young man. Upon seeing him again, I realized that I still care for him and was still in love with him. Hearing his name, seeing him smile and hearing his voice made me feel so kilig (excited) and filled up the emptiness in me.

But something prevents me from showing my true feelings for him, Joe. He’s been going steady

with his girlfriend for three years now. I knew that from the start, but I didn’t seem to care. The times we spent together felt so good, so right. He made me feel so special and made me fall for him even more.

One day, he confessed his true feelings for me. I found out that he has loved me since we were just kids and that he loves me still. We tried to deny our emotions because we didn’t want to betray his girlfriend but we couldn’t fight the feeling. I told him that I would wait for him till he’s free, but he didn’t want me to do that. He wanted me to find the happiness that a committed person like him can’t give. He wanted me to be happy even if it’s not with him. This only made me admire and love him more. He’s different from other guys but it hurts me, Joe, everytime he pushes me away.

We continued this special thing we have. We even had many “stolen moments” when we spent time together as lovers. Those were the happiest days of my life.

But one day, he surprised me with the news that he was getting married in two days. He got his girlfriend pregnant and she obliged him to marry her. It was very painful, Joe. I thought it was only a dream, but it was a nightmare. I was even half dead during their wedding.

Now I’m standing alone with a lost soul, an empty heart and a shattered life. I’m still trying to face a new life without him. I’m still in pain, Joe. I still cry everytime I remember him. Why did he come back after eight long years and make me fall in love again if we’re not really meant for each other? Joe, this is a story without a happy ending. I’m still hung up on the thought that someday, if not here on earth, maybe in God’s paradise, there will be a place for the two of us. Thank you for reading this, Joe. Writing it made me feel a lot better!

Missy

Dear Missy,

It’s sad but true that love doesn’t always have a happy ending. There are times when we ask ourselves why we have to find love only to lose it. Sometimes, God’s reasons for taking someone away from us are difficult to understand, but we have to trust his wisdom in making things happen for a good reason.

Your friend tried to distance himself from you but you were probably just so much in love that you never really saw where you were headed all the while. You were sharing him with his legitimate girlfriend and you know that one day he would have to choose just one. He would have to break someone’s heart, and he broke yours.

Shared moments with someone we love can truly be a wonderful experience, but sometimes it becomes not a question of belonging but a question of the right to belong. Even if it feels so right to be with him, he is still very much committed to his girlfriend and that doesn’t put you anywhere nearer where you are now.

Missy, when we love a person, it brings out the best in us. When that person stops loving us and we still choose to continue to love that person, we become miserable because it is like running a race in the opposite direction. The more we love, the more we are drawn away from reality.

Missy, there is always a reason why people hurt us and make us cry. It is always part of a learning process that would make us better persons. Stop looking back for love that may make its way back. It wouldn’t be coming from behind. It would always be there in front of you. If you miss it, then move ahead for even in love’s greatest tragedies, there is always a promise of hope—that of finding love again and keeping it for eternity.